I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
