u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize