my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Randomize
