We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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