So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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