We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
