This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
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she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
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I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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