I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
porn star boner night. come get it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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