i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
