community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
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I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
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Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow