my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?