I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
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I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
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I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
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Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.