Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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