I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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