i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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