I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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