wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.