finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person