then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in