I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?