I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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