3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
