i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
