i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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