I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
