Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
