I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
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Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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