sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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