I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
