bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
