Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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