my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
