Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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