we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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