Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!