My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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