Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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