Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
