Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize