I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
