someone threw a dead crab at me
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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