dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
