I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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