We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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