apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
