Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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