I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
