i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
