if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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