he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
