Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
