Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
