Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
