I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
