You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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