Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
