Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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