you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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